(Check out my new audio narrative of the below post underneath this post! Contains some mild language!)
It’s that time of the year where I tend to find myself locked away in my apartment. The winter is an anti-social writer’s best friend. Minimal human contact and a lack of social events is the best night I could ask for and as the narcissist I know to be in my heart, I’m here to provide you with the guaranteed tips to success.
1. Don’t have a set schedule
Schedules are overrated. People love it when you’re inconsistent, ask any girl with a boyfriend that has commitment issues. Those are some of the happiest people in the world. You can have the element of surprise. Just look at how much people liked Eminem’s newest album. Take a page out of Eminem’s book. Keep up the surprises and write diss tracks about obscure rappers I’ve never heard of and have no desire to look up.
2. Create boring content
Never put your best work out into the world, keep it strictly mediocre. You gotta keep those expectations low so when you put out some lukewarm work that barely counts as writing, everyone’s gonna be amazed. One has to hustle the audience in order to build an audience. That’s a writers secret. You’re welcome.
3. Don’t cite your work
This one’s important. You want to give the impression that you’re intelligent, so use other peoples ideas to do and then pretend they’re your own. They’ll be okay with it. People absolutely love when their research is used and then they aren’t acknowledged. That’s why garbage Facebook memes are so popular because they never cite their incorrect and cherry-picked information. Sometimes they even outright lie, but that’s some high-level writing and reserved strictly for the masters of the written word.
4. Distract yourself constantly
Plan on writing? Put on a YouTube video at the same time. Only give whatever it is you’re working on roughly 20% percent of your attention. Gotta deadline? Better go do the dishes. Part of a fraternity? Better say something racist and then make derogatory comments about women. Those two things aren’t connected, I just wanted to take a dig at fraternities.
5. Never be wrong
You can’t go wrong with this piece of advice. Everyone can benefit from this. Even if someone with an opposing view provides a valid argument, blindly argue with them. It’s in the pamphlet we all get when we decide to become writers. It’s a strict ruleset that must be followed to the tee.
If you follow this guide, you are on the cusps of success. All one needs is these basic steps and the knowledge that writing is a dying industry as humans attention spans deteriorate even closer to nothingness as videos overtake the market and leave us unemployed.