Edit: Hello everyone! I’m reposting this blog as I’m testing out a new idea where I narrate my own writings as a way to better reflect my personality and inject some more life into my blog posts. This is only my first attempt and I expect my presentation to alter as I test out new personalities and develop my microphone presence. I appreciate you taking the time to read this!
I’ve been convinced since I turned 14 that I will inevitably end up in a horror movie scenario and be forced to rely strictly on my wits and basic knowledge to survive. Back in one my first blog posts “How long can a skinny white guy survive the zombie apocalypse?” I tried to determine if I could survive an apocalypse through BuzzFeed quizzes, but I took a different route this time around, watching three horror movies I’ve never seen and taking the qualities of the survivors and plugging them into my own attributes. I expect another easy victory, as I am the ultimate survivalist.
I had to establish some rules for the sake of keeping this experiment fair. To classify someone as a “survivor,” they could not be left with an ambiguous death, meaning their fate must be a known fact to the audience. I also imposed the rule that the movies I used must be ones that I hadn’t seen before writing this since I must be an impartial judge and can’t sway the results any which way.
Taking the survivors from three movies: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Hereditary (2018), and Train to Busan (2016), I painstakingly created a spreadsheet that would give me my survival percentage.
I got 21%.
I’ve been betrayed by my own creation. My untimely flaw was the unaccounted fact that in the genre of horror movies, the survivors tend to lean towards young women, and as a young man, their body count’s tend to linger on the higher end of the spectrum. I also lack some of the ingenuity and courage that a survivor would require, as I tend to avoid tense situations like a cat does water.
I’m a nerdy guy who likes video games and movies, I’m usually not the first to go out, but my archetype tends to meet their end during the second or third act, usually by losing their glasses (which I also have) and blindly running into a serial killer. Once again, clumsiness is the silent killer.
So, I must accept my defeat at the hands of science. As a lover of horror movies, I too would ultimately meet my end in some ridiculous manner and go down in the horror history books as a cliched, forgotten character and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Cliches have, and always will be, one of the most enjoyable aspects of film.